


Crumbs

by aschicca



Series: Crumbs [1]
Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, M/M, gapfiller for episode 2x15
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-27
Updated: 2014-08-27
Packaged: 2018-02-15 00:34:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2208969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aschicca/pseuds/aschicca
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Was Brian's apology at the end of the episode really enough for Justin? This story picks up where episode 2x15 left off.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Crumbs

_What I did was immature, childish, vindictive. It was an act of cruelty based on irrational fears and unfounded... jealousy. If I were the two of you I’d never speak to me again._

Sitting in front of his computer, Justin tried hard to concentrate on Michael’s excited suggestions about their comic, but his mind kept going back to the scene that had just taken place in the loft. All their work was back. _Brian_ had put it all back, and he had even apologized for what he had done. Brian Kinney had said he was sorry. And jealous; he had looked right at Justin and said he had felt “unfounded _jealousy_ ”. It wasn’t something that happened often with Brian. Actually, it wasn’t something that happened, period. 

So why wasn’t Justin happy about it? What was that nagging feeling of pain in the back of his mind? Why did the smile that Brian’s playful shoulder-bump had brought to Justin’s mouth die so quickly?

“…so Zephyr could do that too, don’t you think? Justin? Are you listening to me?” Michael’s voice shook Justin out of his musings and he threw an apologetic smile at him.

“I’m sorry, Michael. I must be more tired than I thought. Would you mind coming back tomorrow to work on this scene?”

Justin could see Michael wasn’t happy about the delay and that he was about to argue that they needed to focus if they wanted a work well done, but Brian chose that moment to rise from the sofa, the drawing of Rage’s features still in his hand, and intervene.

“Yeah, Mikey. You and Sunshine can work on whatever it is, tomorrow. Now you go take care of the Professor’s needs and leave Justin free to tend to mine.” 

Muttering something about how Brian’s dick always had to be the priority, Michael put his jacket back on and left. 

After saving all the work they’d been able to do that evening - and it wasn’t much - Justin remained seated on his chair with eyes staring blankly at the now-empty screen. Brian’s words, the same words that usually filled Justin with anticipation, this time had annoyed him. As did the hand – the same hand that only a minute before was holding Justin’s comic reproduction of Brian’s face – that Brian was now placing on his shoulder. So Justin shrugged it off and rose from the chair.

“What the fuck is wrong with you now?” a puzzled Brian asked.

“Nothing. I’m fine. What do you want for dinner?” Justin realized that his voice had come out angrier than he had intended but there was nothing he could do about it. The feeling, whatever it was, that had until then been just a sting in a remote part of his fucked up mind (thank you Hobbs), was beginning to come forth and it got stronger and stronger every minute. It wasn’t the first time Justin had felt angry lately; ever since the bashing he had often found himself furious with the world. But usually the promise of spending a night kneeling face down on Brian’s bed, willing recipient of his thrusts, was enough to make Justin forget about everything that wasn’t Brian’s cock. At least for a while.

“I don’t give a fuck about dinner.” Brian predictably replied. “We can order out. Or not eat at all and just have dessert.” With a wolfish grin, Brian approached Justin, ready to demonstrate exactly what kind of dessert he had in mind, but Justin walked past him and didn’t stop until he was behind the kitchen counter. 

Brian turned around and for a while just looked at Justin. The kid had placed a barrier between them and was now acting busy with making some kind of sandwich. 

“Okay, let’s try this again. What. The. Fuck. Is. Wrong. With. You?”

“Nothing. I told you. There’s nothing wrong. Everything is fine and perfect. Now, do you want a fucking sandwich or not?” Justin said all that without looking at Brian, and Brian decided he’d had enough. He walked behind the kitchen counter, removed the knife from Justin’s grip and, placing both his hands on Justin’s shoulders, forced him to turn so that they were face to face.

“Tell me.”

“There’s nothing, Brian. I’m just trying to tend to your fucking needs, like you told me to.” Justin’s voice was now heavy with sarcasm. “There’s nothing else wrong anymore. There can’t be, right? You fixed it, everything is back and all is forgiven. As usual Brian Kinney fixed things and wiped out every problem with a wave of his hand.”

“Obviously I didn’t fix much, Sunshine, or we’d be up there fucking our brains out instead of standing in the kitchen while you have a queen out.” 

Brian’s sarcasm always hurt more than his own, Justin thought. Another thing he was better at. But this time Justin wasn’t about to let the hurt shut his mouth… there was something about to come out and Justin wasn’t sure he could stop it even if he tried. And he wasn’t trying.

“Fuck you, Brian. If a queen out is what you want, I’m sure I can satisfy you.” Justin needed to place some distance between himself and Brian before being able to continue, so he shrugged off Brian’s hands again and walked towards the center of the loft. A queen out deserved space after all.

Looking straight at Brian, Justin let everything finally out. “You spent an awful lot of time staring at that drawing, Brian. Do you like it?”

“It’s not bad.” Brian’s non-committal answer, which was in fact the highest praise one could get from him, only fueled Justin’s anger.

“It’s art, isn’t it? Isn’t that what you said? _The artwork is art, but that’s to be expected._ That’s what you said, right? It’s art. _My art_. The same art yesterday night you only thought was good enough to piss on! The same freshly printed drawing you focused on for a long time right now, was drenched in your piss just this morning. You know better than anyone what I went through with my hand. You saw what the thought of not being able to draw ever again did to me. You were the one who bought me that fucking computer since I can’t draw by hand for more than ten minutes without having cramps. And yet you pissed on one of my sketches. Do you have any idea how that made me feel? Do you understand how much that hurt? Nothing, not even my father’s rejection, ever hurt me more.”

Justin paused, catching his breath and feeling an odd satisfaction in seeing the blush on Brian’s cheeks. But he wasn’t done yet. “So forgive me if I didn’t jump in your bed and spread my legs in gratitude because the Great Brian Kinney apologized. If you need someone to ‘tend to your needs’ you can go to Babylon and pick up a trick.”

Those last words seemed to draw out the fire from Justin’s speech and he just stood there, head hung and short of breath, waiting to hear the door of the loft shut behind Brian’s hasty escape. It almost seemed like letting all that out had finally exhausted Justin, and he was now feeling his chest constricted by the weight and the struggle of maintaining a one-sided relationship with a man who wouldn’t, or couldn’t, help him. In that moment Justin felt too young to face all this alone. Life was presenting Justin every day with a new fight: Hobbs, his hand, PIFA, his father, and the Sap. For once, he wished he didn’t have to fight for Brian’s love too, he wished Brian could talk to him and say the words Justin needed to hear. 

Only silence met his ears for a long while. Then Brian talked.

“Justin, there’s really nothing I can say about all this. I told you I was sorry, I admitted that what I did was cruel and I didn’t deserve your and Michael’s forgiveness. I won’t say I’m sorry once again; as I’m sure you’re beginning to realize, sorry really is bullshit.” While saying all this, Brian had begun to walk towards Justin and was now right in front of him, staring at his lowered blond head.

“Look at me, Justin.” Brian waited until Justin’s eyes met his and the two of them stood there just looking at each other. Justin’s eyes showing all the pain he was feeling, Brian’s retaining a guilt he wasn’t even trying to mask.

Brian’s mouth opened as if he was trying to force the words out, but nothing came and so he shut it again. Justin searched Brian’s eyes and saw there the apology Brian didn’t want to verbalize again, and so he just gave in. He was too tired and he didn’t want to fight anymore. Brian was sorry and that had to be enough for now. Releasing a sigh while wishing he could release his pain as easily too, Justin stopped resisting to Brian’s body and to his own, burning need, and kind of fell against his lover, holding him tight and letting himself be held.

“Your sketch is really good, I’m honoured to be the drawn subject of an artist with your talent.” These words were a mere whisper hidden in Justin’s hair but he heard them nonetheless and a huge smile, the first real one of the evening, finally graced Justin’s features.

Brian kissed him and Justin laughed, a little part of the heavy weight he felt inside, lifted from his soul by Brian’s lips. 

“It’s not a surprise either,” Brian seemed to continue from where he left off, his voice this time clear and amused. “After all you’ve been drawing my face and my cock for a couple of years now. There’s no one more qualified than you to draw my superhero alter-ego.”

Running away to avoid Justin’s playful hit, Brian climbed the steps to his bedroom and raised an eyebrow to Justin nodding towards the bed. The blond shook his head pretending to resist, so Brian slowly peeled off his black wifebeater revealing his toned chest, and knowing full well what that did to Justin. He also started undoing the first button of his jeans, eyes burning into Justin’s heated stare, then turned, his back to Justin, and headed towards the shower. It was a clear invitation.

Still smiling, Justin thought that maybe things weren’t nearly as bad as they had seemed just a few moments before. Brian was always Brian and Justin knew he couldn’t expect heartfelt declarations from him. But at least he seemed to be trying now. And he had been jealous… now Justin could begin to savor that revelation too.

“Oh, Suuuunshineeee! The water’s getting cold.”

With a small laugh, Justin joined Brian in the shower. Yeah, things were definitely looking up. And his own birthday was just a few days away. Who knew, maybe Brian had something planned already. Maybe he would surprise Justin with the most perfect gift.

Life, Justin thought, was finally beginning to come back on track.


End file.
